and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I understand Curling. That high.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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