My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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