he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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