There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
