shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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