I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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