so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
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