I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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