You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize