I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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