I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
