Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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