this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
