I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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