I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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