Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
