we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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