We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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