3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize