dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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