DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
