just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need to sanitize my soul.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
