If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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