Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i want to swaddle you in tequila
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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