were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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