i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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