the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
