There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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