I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Houston, we have a squirter
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize