i permit you to call me
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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