I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Randomize
