I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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