My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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