im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
