Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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