I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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