So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
