some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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