I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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