Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
