Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
