We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
50% drunk capacity currently
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
