worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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