Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
