Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You pole danced in your parka.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
