He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
