Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
