glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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