If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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