He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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