I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
