Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize