I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
