I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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