Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
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