my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
