Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
