i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my vag is so smooth its legendary
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
