There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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