My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
